Your 2018 Horse Lords

ODDS: 50-1

JOCKEY: Scubbledick Tublawyer

HOMETOWN: Horse Island

FUN FACT: Is covered in goo.

ODDS: 30-1

JOCKEY: Brumpo Tungus

HOMETOWN: Your dad's grave

FUN FACT: Is all like, Wheat THINS? Call me when they’re Wheat THICKS. Gimme that wheat!

ODDS: 30-1

JOCKEY: Flub Gubblestuff

HOMETOWN: Horse Heaven

FUN FACT: Ancient Internet truther.

ODDS: 30-1

JOCKEY: Strimp Pimpswaller

HOMETOWN: Valley of the Horses

FUN FACT: Nic Cage in the streets, Steve Buscemi in the sheets.

ODDS: 8-1

JOCKEY: Jump Tigpickle

HOMETOWN: Oksana, Baiul

FUN FACT: Puts the “ex” in “sexual offender”--or at least one day hopes to.

ODDS: 12-1

JOCKEY: Plap Blabs

HOMETOWN: The Wide Horse Sea

FUN FACT: Once played LeBron James in H-O-R-S-E, but fundamentally misunderstood the game.

ODDS: 3-1

JOCKEY: Farty Buttlard

HOMETOWN: Horse Desert

FUN FACT: Made entirely of pipe cleaners and googly eyes.

ODDS: 20-1

JOCKEY: Barfbag McFartshirt

HOMETOWN: The Horse Kingdom Under the Sea

FUN FACT: The first to use #thicc, but honestly it was just a typo.

ODDS: 20-1

JOCKEY: Scrumpy Scrimperelli

HOMETOWN: Danvers, Massachusetts

FUN FACT: Came here to make biscuits and eat tuna, and he’s all out of tuna.

ODDS: 20-1

JOCKEY: Pringle Duckfather

HOMETOWN: Right behind you

FUN FACT: Is really two children in a Halloween costume who have gotten in too deep and don’t know how to come clean.

ODDS: 8-1

JOCKEY: Luggershed Pugsmeller

HOMETOWN: Horse River

FUN FACT: Just barfed in your bed.

ODDS: 30-1

JOCKEY: Tiny Chunglefeather

HOMETOWN: Your mom's house. You know, the one she sits around.

FUN FACT: Is running very smoothly despite phony Witch Hunts etc. Has great Energy and unending Stamina, both necessary to get things done. Is accomplishing the unthinkable and setting positive records while doing so! Fake News is going “bonkers!”

ODDS: 50-1

JOCKEY: Wurddington Chaps

HOMETOWN: Moon

FUN FACT: Might have to jerk it before he even gets there.

ODDS: 5-1

JOCKEY: Chillbaby Drunkfather

HOMETOWN: Red Horse Square, Moscow

FUN FACT: DOES know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

ODDS: 50-1

JOCKEY: Carl Carlsjunior

HOMETOWN: The Hoarse Horse Tavern

FUN FACT: Mimes autoerotic asphyxiation when on the Jumbotron at basketball games.

ODDS: 6-1

JOCKEY: Cankles O'Hufferslug

HOMETOWN: That creepy barn

FUN FACT: Is blockchain. Like, the one everyone won't shut up about. Blockchain is just a horse.

ODDS: 30-1

JOCKEY: Pimby Pooppops

HOMETOWN: Elmer's Glue Factory

FUN FACT: Has a third nipple. And a fourth. Now that she thinks about it, she might be a cow.

ODDS: 12-1

JOCKEY: Munglord Yurpo

HOMETOWN: Horse Mountain

FUN FACT: Cures cancer with a single kiss.

ODDS: 30-1

JOCKEY: Twinklespot Jiffyloob

HOMETOWN: Horsetown, USA

FUN FACT: Erotic Etch-A-Sketch artist.

ODDS: 50-1

JOCKEY: Pog Derples

HOMETOWN: The beach, bro

FUN FACT: Once when Vladimir Poopin’ had gastric paralysis this dumbass piece of garbage thought it’d be cool to fake a seizure.