JOCKEY: Scubbledick Tublawyer
HOMETOWN: Horse Island
FUN FACT: Is covered in goo.
JOCKEY: Brumpo Tungus
HOMETOWN: Your dad's grave
FUN FACT: Is all like, Wheat THINS? Call me when they’re Wheat THICKS. Gimme that wheat!
JOCKEY: Flub Gubblestuff
HOMETOWN: Horse Heaven
FUN FACT: Ancient Internet truther.
JOCKEY: Strimp Pimpswaller
HOMETOWN: Valley of the Horses
FUN FACT: Nic Cage in the streets, Steve Buscemi in the sheets.
JOCKEY: Jump Tigpickle
HOMETOWN: Oksana, Baiul
FUN FACT: Puts the “ex” in “sexual offender”--or at least one day hopes to.
JOCKEY: Plap Blabs
HOMETOWN: The Wide Horse Sea
FUN FACT: Once played LeBron James in H-O-R-S-E, but fundamentally misunderstood the game.
JOCKEY: Farty Buttlard
HOMETOWN: Horse Desert
FUN FACT: Made entirely of pipe cleaners and googly eyes.
JOCKEY: Barfbag McFartshirt
HOMETOWN: The Horse Kingdom Under the Sea
FUN FACT: The first to use #thicc, but honestly it was just a typo.
JOCKEY: Scrumpy Scrimperelli
HOMETOWN: Danvers, Massachusetts
FUN FACT: Came here to make biscuits and eat tuna, and he’s all out of tuna.
JOCKEY: Pringle Duckfather
HOMETOWN: Right behind you
FUN FACT: Is really two children in a Halloween costume who have gotten in too deep and don’t know how to come clean.
JOCKEY: Luggershed Pugsmeller
HOMETOWN: Horse River
FUN FACT: Just barfed in your bed.
JOCKEY: Tiny Chunglefeather
HOMETOWN: Your mom's house. You know, the one she sits around.
FUN FACT: Is running very smoothly despite phony Witch Hunts etc. Has great Energy and unending Stamina, both necessary to get things done. Is accomplishing the unthinkable and setting positive records while doing so! Fake News is going “bonkers!”
JOCKEY: Wurddington Chaps
FUN FACT: Might have to jerk it before he even gets there.
JOCKEY: Chillbaby Drunkfather
HOMETOWN: Red Horse Square, Moscow
FUN FACT: DOES know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
JOCKEY: Carl Carlsjunior
HOMETOWN: The Hoarse Horse Tavern
FUN FACT: Mimes autoerotic asphyxiation when on the Jumbotron at basketball games.
JOCKEY: Cankles O'Hufferslug
HOMETOWN: That creepy barn
FUN FACT: Is blockchain. Like, the one everyone won't shut up about. Blockchain is just a horse.
JOCKEY: Pimby Pooppops
HOMETOWN: Elmer's Glue Factory
FUN FACT: Has a third nipple. And a fourth. Now that she thinks about it, she might be a cow.
JOCKEY: Munglord Yurpo
HOMETOWN: Horse Mountain
FUN FACT: Cures cancer with a single kiss.
JOCKEY: Twinklespot Jiffyloob
HOMETOWN: Horsetown, USA
FUN FACT: Erotic Etch-A-Sketch artist.
JOCKEY: Pog Derples
HOMETOWN: The beach, bro
FUN FACT: Once when Vladimir Poopin’ had gastric paralysis this dumbass piece of garbage thought it’d be cool to fake a seizure.